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Boundaries give freedom, choice, respect, authenticity and safety.

For me balance is a continuous fine tuning, that goes on to allow me to feel happy, comfortable, and have a clear sense of efficacy, good self esteem and self respect.  Boundaries enable me to have the capacity to love myself , my family and others,  and  joyfully support  the other people with whom  I work .  Without clear boundaries  I could not have balance! It has taken me a long time to make this a conscious choice:  to take total responsibility for myself.  I often found it easier to transfer blame to other people for taking away my choices, happiness and independence!  You may feel trapped in certain situations but even where that’s the case there is the possibility of change for everyone.  We sometimes find ourselves caught up in relationships/jobs that sap our energy, involve endless stress and we feel pushed into a corner of despair.  This desperation creates a loss of hope and possible illness, but it can eventually, also push us into making dramatic changes to our situation which then gives back our sense of control and hope.  If things are bad enough you will get out of it however difficult this may feel.   I had to make extremely hard choices, many times in my life which sometimes involved things becoming much worse before I could expect or achieve a tangible improvement, but regaining your freedom of choice is very empowering.  To do the right thing for yourself can be really challenging and calls for determination and courage! I now know I am the only person who can really look after myself – no one else is ultimately responsible.  Sounds so simple but expecting other people to make you happy causes so much heartache! Many of my clients are pivotal in their family’s lives, work extremely hard, run businesses and care for their loved ones.  For many coming here for a retreat is the first time they have chosen to come away by themselves.  A retreat is an escape, from practical responsibilities and pressure.  One of the main things we focus on at our Retreats  is balance:  in what we eat, how we feel, what we do etc.  I find balance and boundaries go together very comfortably. Once I set boundaries for myself life ran more smoothly.  To have lodgers or guests in your home requires boundaries for sure.  A family home changing into a retreat just wouldn’t happen without them.  Clarity goes hand in hand with boundaries as does flexibility!  Nothing too rigid, but it really helps if you think through what you do, and where there is a little discomfort, where you feel impinged on or  your life is somehow compromised too often.  Ensuring intimate familyspace time and open house is all about balance. Being all things to all people isn’t feasible.   Delegation is a helpful way forward, as is saying No!  Hard at first but with practice it gets easier.  It enables you to say Yes to the events/people that you really are chosing to have in your life! We all need space to be by ourselves.  Space to recharge our batteries; review our lives and decisions we have made.  Time to be empty,  to let go.  Make space for space.   At first space can be a little scary as you have time to really feel any pain in your life rather than avoid it being busy.  But sitting with the painful feelings will help you observe and make better decisions. This then allows you to be engaged in life in a healthy, balanced way.  Space helps you decide on your priorities for the year, month or week and ensure they are honoured. This helps decision making:

• What is it that you really want and need?
• What do you love to have in your life?
• What brings joy to you?
• What makes you smile and feel worthwhile?
• How can you change your life to ensure this is a priority?

It may need some tweeking.  Little by little is fine, no need to go all or nothing.  This allows leeway for mistakes, indulgences or sudden unavoidable events that happen to all of us.  This allows us to be human and not perfect.  Balance encompasses all of this; perfectionism does not and causes unhealthy levels of stress! Helping others to help you is really important too.  Many people never like to ask for help but prefer to give it, and feel very uncomfortable receiving.  Lots of people in their lives would love to help but don’t realise the help is wanted or needed.  People can’t mind- read so if you feel overwhelmed or cross, let others know.  Share the problem out don’t just shoulder it and feel disgruntled.  Far better to be honest in a kind and loving way.  It is not a failure to ask for assistance!

Key Tips for finding balance in your life:

• Set realistic boundaries on your availability, time and energy expenditure
• Express your needs as they are equally important as other peoples needs
• Define what is most important in your life by looking at what you love and must have in your life
• Clarify what you do not want in your life
• Recognise that every decision you make is a choice
• Your happiness is your responsibility, find ways to ensure you are happy

Welcome back to my blog: Insight from Experience! It has been a long time since I wrote a blog and today is a special day and it feels especially right for me to restart again today.

24 years ago on 18^th August my dear Mum died when I was 31 – only 10 months after my father died so a double whammy in a short space of time.   It was probably the worst day of my life and I was devastated for a long time. It felt like the world just stopped on that day and nothing was real for quite some time. Lots of other challenges were going on for me at that time in my life and I felt completely lost. Now this doesn’t sound very happy or inspiring but that does come rest assured!

I let go, quit my job (that I actually hated) and stopped everything apart from being a Mum. I bought a very old, knackered piano and played sad tunes endlessly, crying and wailing along. Somehow I needed to release the pain via the piano and I lost myself in this process for 2 weeks. Gradually I resurfaced into reality. The funeral was difficult but was a celebration of my mother; she was such a feisty, practical, emotional, exuberant, moody, beautiful and funny Mum! I can see her now giggling in her own adversity! Olwen Sarah Bicknell was very special. She gave birth to me at 42 which was unusual in 1960! She loved to dance, cook, go shopping and walk in nature she was a farmer’s daughter – hence the practicality and was a natural listener and the village counsellor! So many ladies would come and bear their souls to my Mum! She had a stroke aged 55 and experienced depression and frustration for many years but with my Dad her best friend and carer at her side, in the end made the best of a difficult situation.

I began a complete transformation of my life from then on! I found a new job working for a Mental Health charity which led eventually to me training as an Occupational Therapist! This gave me a wonderful job that I loved, an income and independence and freedom – more of that later! Sometimes we need to stop and start fresh, step into the unknown and trust! Most of all believe we can do it!

Hence the ‘Insight from Experience’ title of this blog. We all have experiences that colour our lives and help us learn lessons, mine were empathy and compassion at that time. So today I recognise how influential my Mum was to me. How inspiring she was in surviving a stroke, carrying on and being supportive to me for many years. I loved her dearly and hope to also offer some of the support, empathy and inspiration to others in the future! She would love my life purpose, because this is how it feels to me! Helping others become healthier and happier through healthy eating, juicing, life coaching and offering a lovely warm environment with therapies and lots of nurture to either improve or prevent long term illnesses such as strokes. I want to be around for a good length of time, to be healthy, happy and fulfilled and I want that for all my guests and clients! So today we offer our new website and look forward to meeting or hearing from all you lovely people who also have your stories and experiences to share!

At last I have a moment to write about the beautiful experience of being witness to the birth of 7 puppies.  In my last blog I explained that I had decided to make space for wonderful things to happen – the goal less goal – where if you have the space opportunities will arise naturally!

How amazing a few hours can be!  On the morning of 28^th December at 8.30am our Lakeland terrier Twig went into labour, turning her bedding over into a nest, panting and pushing with such a natural rhythm.  Within an hour a sac appeared and soon after the first pup was out!.  Then the next 3 followed in fairly quick succession.

Number five was much slower, over an hour and half and then it was obvious there was a problem.  On the way to the vets he was still-born sadly.

We returned home and twig mothered and suckled her 4 pups and then unexpectedly 2 more pups were born in fast succession!  Now Twig had 6 tiny, velvety puppies and she was immediately a super Mum, licking and caring for them.  After a while they all settled down for a well deserved sleep!

Although we were witness to birth and death, it was a moving experience to see the start of new life and how fragile this moment can be.  My heart is sad about losing the largest pup but relieved that Twig is fine and can be here to mother her 6 other puppies!

This was a peak moment for me!  Never to be forgotten.  I am so enjoying this event and am grateful for this natural and nurturing experience.

I find it great to look at the peak moments that stand out in my life and see what values were being fulfilled at the time.  Clarifying your values helps to motivate and direct your choices in life.  Sometimes we get stuck in a rut, doing the same routine, being super busy and we lose touch with our soul!  Take a little time to find out what really rings true for you too.

Well, today the last puppy to leave is off to the Midlands with her new owners!  A long journey for a little 11 week old pup! Remember I talked about the Disney technique in my first blog about the puppies?  Well it’s serving me well again today as I must admit feeling very sad to lose Flo today.

The Disney Technique:

The Dreamer is saying, “oh they are so cute and lovely and we have had so much fun together it’s a shame she can’t stay”

The Critic is saying, “Remember the mess to clear up, the chewing of the furniture, the scrapping and running off, beware!”

The Realist is saying “OK, you have had a lovely time with her from 0-11 weeks, she is now ready to leave and live independently with people that will love her and have plenty of time to go for long walks and give her individual attention”.

Ah thank you Disney that is helping a lot!

We will miss her ….  but we are keeping Holly. This will be fun for Twig their mother who has reverted to puppy behaviour herself for the last couple of weeks!

What an experience it has all been.  Not all easy going by any means: the loss of Scrap was hard after spending 3 and half weeks hand feeding her.  The change of the pups from little dependent creatures to full on feisty terriers who live up the their name was challenging at times.  A quick re-calculation on their departure time to 8 weeks for the two most boisterous ones helped immensely.

But the fun and frolics have been brilliant for all our family and friends.  Having puppies draws people to your home that you would never have sat on the floor with before!  I’m closer to all my neighbours and their children who have cuddled and raced around the garden with glee with us all.  These puppies have had a serious amount of socialisation so will be great to take home!

In terms of making space for this it’s been wonderful!  Now on to the next idea I have made space for – two Chernobyl children to stay over Easter.  Here’s the link if you are interested. http://www.ccll.org.uk/ho/index.php?ccllID=825ca303cb19d6485e9b20cbcb65f895&page=MENU_12714_N

Magical, personalised collages that remind us of the things that excite and inspire us to change and grow …. and a lot more!

We all need a vision of how we would love our life to be!

By deciding to make a vision board (treasure map or dream board) you bring your attention and energy to the idea that you can create the life of your choice.

Think about what it is you would really love to do /have or be in your life for a moment and catch those spectacularly motivating thoughts!  These are the thoughts that excite and fuel our emotions and intentions, this is the way to make things happen rather than just dreams.

It may be a specific activity you are thinking of such as your perfect home, job or relationship or event.  I created a vision board for the birth of one of my daughters which I focussed on in my mind during her birth to amazing effect!

Maybe you have been writing a journal about your life where ideas and thoughts have materialised on paper well now is the time to create the picture. Brainstorm all your thoughts onto a sheet of paper – scribble down words that pop up for you.  Then cluster them and instead of staying with words start a search for images, photos, poems, headlines from magazines or newspapers that capture the essence of your perfect future life.  It may take a bit of time and effort.  You may have some things put away: favourite postcards, birthday cards, mementoes, meaningful words or prose – this is the perfect place to display them. Your vision board is a glimpse of your hearts desire.

Now just in case you are not a visual kind of person but are fired by a different modality: auditory,tactile, smell/flavours etc there are many ways to create a treasure box to incorporate these sensory modes.  Collections of recipes, music, clothes, fabrics, items that stimulate the memories associated and ideas and thoughts to inspire your future.  Colour alone can be experienced in many modalities..

The Practical bit

Gather all your items together and create some time to start making your vision board/box.  You can be creative and use card, board, frames, and boxes whatever you like to hold and display your items.  Blutac is useful to position until you are happy with the end result.  Then glue them in place.  Lots of people add objects too like beads, shells, seeds, anything meaningful.

If it doesn’t inspire then hold on and find something that does lift it higher.  Maybe you need brighter colours or a more specific photo.

I once created a huge mirror frame covered in mementoes and sprayed it all gold – a real talking piece encompassing loads of senses, memories and dreams plus me in the middle!

Positioning is important

Once the vision board is completed prop it up in a place you can look at it afterwards and adapt it – you can change or add if you suddenly have new ideas.  This process can be really stimulating!  Keep it in a place you will see it every day.  Some people hide them away but I believe its good to let other people see it and they might just become an ally in your journey.  The vision board acts as a continuous reminder of your goals to enhance your resolve and commitment to your future life.

I keep my old vision boards, as it’s great to look back over older ones.  Many a time I repeat themes but each year something is prioritised. This all helps you to prioritise and to remember your goals even when you are very busy.

Vision boards are daily reminders of how important your life is and how you can direct and create your future life!

Do you feel out of sorts, lacking in energy and motivation, stressed or depressed?   Have you lost your zest for life?   We often look for personal reasons such as our age, size, appearance, personality, intelligence etc.

Do these things make it difficult for us to love our life?

My gut instinct is to say no!  However, I would temper this by saying we all have a natural tendency to measure and compare.  However stereotypical thinking does not help.  There is no perfect size, age or look.  We may be persuaded by the media to believe there is but in reality we all know people who do not fit stereo types who are rich in experience, character and warmth that out-shine the glossy models a thousand times over. Perception is personal and what one person thinks is wonderful another does not.  The reality is that variety, imperfection and difference can actually add zest to life.  How banal would life be if we were all the same!

Do you recognise your perfect life state when you are experiencing it?

Often we are so absorbed in our lives that we are oblivious of it until we are not absorbed!  So I think absorption in life is an important factor! Mihaly Csikaentmihalyi describes an optimal experience state when we are in a state of ‘flow’.

How absorbed we are in living our lives to the full is not reliant of age, size, wealth etc.   A 90 year old who loves her life, be it actively or through memory and familiarity is equally alive as the 15 year old who is just developing his/her life.  It’s the experience of life that matters.

Zest for life is important.  I would say this is the fundamental thing that keeps us really alive and interested in the world!

What is zest?

Well I believe zest is the energy of life that gives excitement, vigour and a certain enjoyable drive.  It seems similar to motivation but somehow different.  Zest is more zappy!  So semantics come into it – and your own personal choice and meaning!  It may well be intrinsic motivation  – that inner driver as opposed to extrinsic motivation – the outer rewards.  It is certainly a spark that fires us up and may dry up at times.

How to rekindle your zest for life!

Accept that life and you change, sit with it for a while and then celebrate your past and look forward to your future.  Treat life as an adventure, a journey, or a book with chapters:  whatever metaphor works for you and try to make the negative experiences more positive by seeking out the elements in them that you can use or learn from.  Even death or illness can strengthen our characters, our recognition of what is really important, our experience of being alive and in touch with the great joy of being given a life.  An opportunity to be part of this world and connected to others.  Look for meaning in your life; change your habits if you feel jaded and uninspired.  Seek to understand other perspectives.

It is not set in stone that you are  ……..…. and you believe…………. and do ……..……     The only thing stopping you is you.  You have the power to chose who you are, what you do, what you believe and how you feel.

When your energy is low, rest and recuperate.  Allow your energy to grow gently and then your zest for life will flourish and you will soon be bursting into life again.

Some questions to have a think about:

What brings a smile to your face? or what used to bring a smile to your face?

What brings a glint to your eye? or what used to?

What brings a spring to your step? or what used to or could in the future?

How can you freshen up your life?  What new experience can you try?

What special place/person/experience feeds your energy?

Take one step and the journey will begin…..

I would love to help and support you on your journey.  If you feel this would be good for you give me a call on 01803 847674 or send me an enquiry via my website contact form or through mentaline.com.  I offer a free 20 minute consultation.

Ref: Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: Harper and Row. ISBN 0-06-092043-2

You don’t have to be a good writer to enjoy journaling.

There are many ways to write a journal.  The word derives from the French word Jour – day, and is a daily record of your thoughts, feelings and experiences, similar but different from a diary.  A journal is very individual and private. Journals can be shared as in student journals and reflective practise journals, but in this article I am looking at personal life journals that are useful to give you an overview of your life, to express yourself and to find your own way of coping and improving your self esteem.

My Experience of journal writing

I wrote a 5 year diary from the age of 15 to 20, dwindling entries the older I grew!  Looking back at it now is fascinating and gives me insight into how I was many years ago.  Even in this I can see themes, values and indicators of how I made decisions.  For many years I continued to write diaries, often only when in distress or when there was a huge momentous experience.  I found it helpful to write short notes and these have proved so useful in understanding myself later in life.  At the time the journal offered me a means of expression, to off load the harsh or strong emotions.  Reading later on it gives me so much more than I ever dreamed of:  a snapshot of events, people, communications that were important, that helped to create the person I am now.

Writing a journal helps you to know yourself.  It allows the unconscious to surface and be heard privately.  This is a release and can be a freeing and spiritual experience.

Start with your life story!

When working with clients I ask them to buy a beautiful book as a journal. Something they love and relate to as it will accompany them on their journey.  I suggest they think about their life in roughly 5 year chunks and write down the significant events, highs and lows briefly (without analysing too much), who influenced them, who they loved/disliked, what was happening, the peak moments, where they lived/went to school/uni/work etc.  A general view.

This takes some time and there is no rush.  There is no need to be a brilliant writer – just jot down words, phrases, there is no need to be perfect here! You can embellish the story with photos and mementos too if you like!

If you can’t remember, then if you feel happy to, ask friends or relatives about things, it all helps in connecting and remembering.  When working as an Occupational Therapist with older clients I spent hours creating Life Stories for patients with Alzheimers or Dementia with the help of their families.  These were so precious in honouring the person within and helping care staff to respect and understand them.

Other ideas

Journals are great for just about anything you have on your mind.  Use them as a depository to dump the thoughts and ideas, jot notes and lists.  Answers to questions or questions to find answers to.  I have a list of questions if people are stuck for ideas such as:

What am I most grateful for?

What were the 5 happiest moments in my life?

What was my saddest moment?

Who is really important to me?

What is my secret dream?

If I had all the money, time and energy I need what would I do?

There are 100’s of questions to get you flowing.

Make Space in your life for writing your journal

Create a regular time to write in your journal.  It may be daily at bedtime or weekly on Thursday evening – find a way that fits well for you.  In times of stress journal writing can be a fantastic relief and will help you focus and clarify where to channel your energy.

7 reasons to write a journal:

1. It gives you an overview of your whole life
2. You can see the highs and lows without analysing
3. You understand how you make decisions and what influences you
4. You can recognise your role models, inspirations and influences
5. It helps you understand what you value, love and need in life
6. It helps you to understand what you do not want in life
7. It helps to give you clarity, focus and direction.

Alongside journal writing creating a visual representation of your dreams and goals is wonderful.  My next article will be on the benefits of creating a Dream Board (Vision board/Treasure Map).

If you would like to work on improving your self esteem I offer an individual course as part of my life coaching sessions in person or over the telephone.  This course has helped many people find out who they really are, accept themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin.  For a free 15 minute discussion just call me on 01803 847674 or 07779496240

What is Self-Care?

Self care can mean so many things but put simply it is the ability to look after yourself.  Many things can interrupt our ability to do this basic task including illness, disability, pressure of time, lack of money, safe environments, motivation and self-love.

On a basic level self-care includes feeding, cleaning, dressing, organising our lives and our time.  On a higher level it includes nurturing our higher-level abilities such as our intellect, spirituality, and connectedness to loved ones, our environment and feeling our place in the world.

As babies we are born dependent on our parents or carers.  Gradually as we develop from the child into the adult we learn from them and others how to be independent and look after ourselves. If we are lucky our caregivers have role modelled the need for self-nurturance and we have this in our repertoire.   However many of us slip from the child into the parental role of carer and giver and seem to skip over the need to care for ourselves.

What happens when we don’t care for ourselves:

When we become overwhelmed, tired out and stressed it suddenly dawns on us that we have forgotten to take some time to look after ourselves.  It can be work that causes this lack of awareness:  perhaps we are starting a new career/family or business and are very focussed.  Time is stretched to the limit and deadlines loom daily. At times such as this self-care falls very low on our priority lists.  But, if we ignore our essential need for ‘time for ourselves’ we pay the price.  There is a fine balance between what is just about manageable and what will cause a breakdown or burnout. Many conscientious and extremely commendable people have gone on just that step too long and have ended up totally exhausted, drained or seriously ill.  Recognising the need to care for yourself is the best way to manage your stress long term.

Not only does is give you space to stop and think, review and adjust your life but it also allows you to check out the direction you are heading to ensure you are in line with your core values.  We sometimes find ourselves driven towards something that doesn’t hold the meaning it did when we first started.  Like all goal setting we need to recognise the necessity for flexibility and keep checking our goals are in line with our current life, hopes, dreams and values.

Here are six simple steps to improve your self-care:

• Recognise when you are overburdened and stop doing something. This may involve making crucial choices to prioritise the most important things on your to do list.  If you have perfectionist tendencies this will be a challenge!  But the answer is the 3 D’s:  dump it, do it or delegate.  If you can’t do it, cross it off the current to do list.  Make a little space to stop.

• Buy a special personal journal and start writing. Just let if flow, it can be your life story, how you feel, what you want, anything initially to get the juices going.  Life story work can be really helpful (more of this in my next article).  Writing ideas/problems/worries/successes down really helps you to express yourself privately and moves the barrage of thoughts onto paper where they can be released.  This is cathartic and freeing.

• Learn to say “NO” nicely! Many of us tend to say yes when we mean no to all sorts of requests and demands.  Learn to take a moment to think before you say yes.  If necessary answer a request you are unsure about by offering to call back at a more convenient time. It is very important to value your own time and the telephone/computer can become the never ending time waster!

• Set your self some boundaries on how you use your time. Review an average day and write down what you actually do.  An hourly time sheet will be useful.  Then analyse where all your time goes.  Decide what is important and what isn’t and then device strategies to save time in order to do the important activities.  E.g. if time with your children is important but you always finish work late and suffer regret and guilt.  Then make it your obsession to finish work on time.  Focus on the fact you will have that extra hour to spend with the kids and the joy for you and them. Recognise what is really meaningful to you.

• What makes you feel good? Have a good think – it could be small simple things such as painting your toenails or walking in the countryside.  There are many small activities that helps us feel good – make a list of your happiness buffers and ensure you do at least one a day.

• Decide to be mindful. Instead of rushing around at top speed, slow down.  Start by listening to your breathing, something we are often unaware of.  The breath is so important to being alive and we take it for granted.  By focussing on our breathing:  we can calm ourselves down, slow it down, make it deeper, just for a minute or two.  Look around you and really notice your surroundings.  Stop speed-reading through your life.

In my next article I will elaborate on the benefits of using a personal journal to enhance your life.  If you feel overwhelmed by a deluge of responsibilities and would like to find a way of easing your situation I offer an initial free session bookable on www.mentaline.com/kathrynharris/

If you are feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed, guilty or sad don’t bottle up your feelings.  Have a conversation with yourself:

What is making you feel this way?

When have you felt like this before?

Are there any similarities in the situations?

The Past

Sometimes the past impacts on the present causing us to react in similar ways.  When we step back and have a look at the current situation we can reduce our reaction by recognising that the past is influencing our reactions.

Our Thoughts

Our thoughts may be making the situation worse.  If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts such as these, it is really useful to challenge yourself, to give yourself an alternative perspective. Here are a few negative thoughts followed by a challenge to help you find a kinder perspective on yourself and boost your self-esteem:

Learning to Challenge Yourself

If you think: I can’t stand it – challenge this by saying to yourself:  I can stand it.  It is hard but I have done this before. It is good for me to be stretched a bit.

If you find yourself thinking It’s not worth even trying. Challenge this by saying:  If I don’t try, I won’t know.  It will widen my experience/skills.  Nobody is expecting me to be perfect.

If you find yourself imaging the worst and saying to yourself – It would be awful and embarrassing. Challenge this by recognising everybody makes mistakes sometimes and it’s a great way to learn.

If you believe you won’t fit in. Challenge this by saying: How do I know that?  I have made friends before in similar situations.

If you often say to yourself:  I’m not good enough. Challenge this by saying: I am good enough – I don’t have to be perfect.  I don’t know that I’m not good enough and if I stay here I will never go forward.

Do you worry that you won’t know what to talk about? Help yourself feel better and more confident by recognising that you have your own thoughts and opinions. Say to yourself: I can learn to ask people about their thoughts and opinions.  People like to talk about themselves and this is a good place to start with making conversations.

Do you worry that you might cry or be upset? Challenge that thought by recognising you have a good reason to be emotional and people will understand.   It is only human to show emotion and expressing it is much better than repressing it.

Do you find yourself saying:  I’m useless. You are a harsh critic of yourself.  Take one step at a time and say to yourself:  I have dealt with more than this before. I just need to slow down, breath and stop condemning myself.

A Few more useful Questions to shift unhelpful beliefs

For all of the above examples ask yourself some more questions:

In the same circumstances what would you say to your best friend?

If you looked back in five years time how strongly will you feel about this?

When you are not feeling this way emotionally do you think about situations like this differently?

What strengths and skills do you have that will help this situation?

Cognitive behavioural therapy helps you to help yourself.  Developed during the fifties and sixties by Aaron T. Beck and Albert Ellis it allows you to learn to question your beliefs and thoughts if they are affecting your life negatively.  Using the inductive method CBT encourages us to see our thoughts as hypotheses that may be incorrect.  This may be because we habitually expect a certain outcome or don’t have correct information available to judge.  When we look for other information or decide to react/behave differently life can be much better.

If you have a negative self view and would like to work in a forward looking relationship with a life coach trained in CBT please get in touch.  I offer a free 20 min consultation and sessions are available over the telephone or face to face if you are in Devon.

When you feel the sudden awareness that your self-esteem is dipping or crashing.
Stop!   ….. Breathe deeply and slowly in and out 4 times and try one of these savers:

Self-talk is important.  Often the internal critic will fire off negative comments, be ready for it and counter this by saying to yourself:

“I am good enough!”

“I can stand this”

“I have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings”

“There are things about me that are likeable and things that are not so good  – just like anyone else”

“I have overcome more difficult problems than this in the past”

“I am not perfect and don’t need to be. I am good at some things and not so good at others”

“I don’t know for a fact that everyone is having a better time than me.  Just because they are busy doesn’t mean they are more happy”.

• Remember life is full of choices and you make them, especially how you chose to think.  Prepare in advance by thinking of words that represent values you want to feature in your life from now on.  For example love, laughter, fun, integrity, calmness, kindness etc.  Search out experiences and thoughts to make these words live in your life!

• Focus on what you do want rather than what you don’t want in life. Be aware of the language you use;  “try” is a word that implies something may or may not happen; instead say:  “I will” which gives a positive commitment that something will happen.

• How would you like people to behave towards you?  Do people know how you feel?  Sometimes we expect others to read our minds.

Simplify life by letting your nearest and dearest know what you need.  Instead of saying “You make me feel ….  Come from the I.  I feel ………     Or I need …….…     This feels far less critical to the person receiving your comment and you clarify what you do actually feel and need.

• Let go of anger and resentment.  It is your choice how you react to others; it may be a habit to break.

What would it be like to decide not to feel like this?  To not react?  How would life be?

If others tease you, frustrate you and make you feel criticised decide to recognise the feeling,  accept it and not react.  By giving them the attention they seek you are fuelling the fire.  Remove the reaction and the behaviour will stop over time. You will eventually find you can turn a negative situation quickly into a positive one.

• Remember your own personal boundaries.  If someone pushes you too far and a situation is getting out of control. Stop, take a couple of deep breaths and tell them you can’t deal with this now.  Make a time later in the day or week when feelings will have reduced where you can discuss the issue calmly.  Then leave the situation.

• Spark your enthusiasm.  Sometimes life can be become a bit humdrum, same old pattern or habits, people and places.  This is when you can feel bored and dissatisfied.  It’s time to fire your enthusiasm:  read inspiring articles/blogs, look for new things to do e.g. Holiday destinations, days out, galleries, exhibitions, country walks, historical houses, plays to see, new films to watch, books to read, book clubs to join, hobbies to investigate.  Consider something you have never tried before it might just be the spark you need

We all fall into negativie thinking patterns at times.  If this is problematic take some time when you are feeling OK to plan how to cope the next time you don’t feel OK.  A wise investment to reduce future stress and discomfort. Keep the plan handy and use it as a safety valve when you feel yourself slipping.